Survival of the Nurtured: Why Caring For Yourself Can Help You Not Just Survive, but Thrive.
I heard a quote recently from Louis Cozolino,
“We are not the survival of the fittest, we are the survival of the nurtured.”
This resonated deeply within my bones because I can feel the visceral difference in my life the more open my heart is. My relationship with my husband feels closer and allows for more space for each of us to be. I can be more curious as a parent, and less critical. I show up with greater presence and attunement to those I am working with. And mostly, I feel a slower and more gentle relationship with how I feel toward myself.
Staying soft and going slow has always been hard for me. For so much of my life, I operated under the notion of survival of the fittest. Being in a more masculine energy of achievement and productivity created more safety and belonging. The more I could cram into my life, the more successful I felt. Get up early, work all day, stay up late, whatever it takes to get it done. Do the hardest workout. Drive fast, eat fast, run fast. It was always about more, more, more. And with the practice of learning to nurture myself, something entirely different began to unfold.
Cozolino, an attachment scientist said, “Those who are nurtured best, survive best. The brain is a social organ, it evolves to connect with other brains. When others feel something, we do too.” This is referred to as mirror neurons, and evolution shows us we developed these neural pathways 70,000 years ago.
Before that, our survival brains were all about separating ourselves from others because if we could be different or better than others, we could easily attack them and ensure our survival. This “othering” is something that still happens in our world today. It’s the root of so much of our global pain and what contributes to the trauma and oppression that continues to occur. Yet we have the capacity as humans for something different. Because of mirror neurons, and our brain’s compassion neural network, we have the brain equipment to truly care for ourselves and others.
In fact, this is what ensures our survival. We are wired for connection and since we can connect, we can practice compassion for one another and ourselves. To be with another’s pain, to look at the world through their eyes. And simultaneously, to give ourselves kindness and understanding when we too are suffering. Studies show this kind of perspective-taking is the most powerful tool in creating healthy relationships.
Yet let’s be honest.
It’s so common to feel resentment and resistance when hearing most effective and transformative method of healing is learning to be kind and compassionate with yourself. Maybe even a part within that wishes someone else would be taking care of you; a part that is tired of having to do some much giving.
That right there is key. This kind of expression usually points to a term I call the Caregiver Complex. This is a patriarchal society, so women have learned it’s their job to take care of others. Additionally, many women spent their childhood emotionally (and sometimes physically) caring for the adults in their lives. This programming and void in nurturing early on can sometimes lead to a nourishment barrier in adulthood which makes it hard to slow down and actually care for yourself.
I tend to think of nurturing oneself as radical. It may take some practice and encouragement at first. Retreats, meditation, exercise, eating healthy, therapy, getting bodywork done, and walks in nature are all great ways to nourish and replenish.
But sometimes, as I’ve learned, it’s just going a little bit slower.
