10 Symptoms of Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers

Abby sought help at age 39 because she was experiencing burnout at work, constant anxiety, poor sleep, drinking too much, and always feeling like she had more to do. Even when on vacation, she couldn’t let go of the to-do list and relax into her enoughness. She struggled to set limits with her boss, and responded quickly to every email while constantly checking her phone-this kept her from being present with her kids. She was overfunctioning in her marriage and doing everything for her husband while secretly harboring resentment. She struggled with saying no to her children, and also with her friends and family. Overcommitting was depleting her. On top of all this, her self-talk was incredibly negative and she blamed herself for not doing more and being better.

This was an indication she needed to unlearn the good girl conditioning she learned a long time ago, so we needed to look at the messaging she learned about her own needs. When women cannot mother themselves in adulthood, it’s often because they never learned they could. Abby soon discovered she survived her own childhood by caring for her mother’s constant state of dysregulation.

Abby struggled at first to admit things were hard. After all, she came from an upper class home, was well-dressed, attended good schools, and was given things all her life. She couldn’t see how the manipulative and controlling behaviors of her mother left her dismissed, unseen, and in a constant state of striving.

The unmothered adult daughter struggles in a multitude of ways; particularly in her relationships–with herself, with others, and advocating for her needs in general. The daughter’s nervous system becomes hardwired for a need to please.  The mother-daughter relationship is often a complex one, however, understanding the symptoms that are common for daughters growing up with a difficult, angry, critical, manipulative, controlling or gaslighting mom can help the adult daughter understand herself more, and begin to heal from the anxiety, depression, low-self esteem and other issues around her overall health. 

Here are ten symptoms of daughters of narcissistic mothers:

1. Poor Boundaries

Adult daughters of narcissistic mothers struggle with boundaries because their mothers had an excessive need for control and their lack of empathy made them oblivious to how they impacted their daughters; who they often see as a direct reflection of them. Children learn a majority of their social skills by watching their parents’ behaviors (social modeling), so having a parent that is unable to model healthy boundaries typically means that child will grow up to also struggle with healthy boundaries within their relationships. These daughters also learned it was not safe to say no to their mother, or there would be consequences. They feared the retaliation, screaming, manipulation and other forms of abuse, so part of their survival was adapting to this enmeshed way of being in relationship.

2. Extremely Self-Critical

Narcissistic mothers are extremely critical of themselves and others. Since mothers are the first people in a person’s life to model self-talk and judgment to a child, most children of narcissists grow up to be extremely self-critical. This negative self-talk can even develop into more severe self-loathing with time, which can impact self-esteem and mental health.

3. Perfectionism

Because narcissistic mothers are so critical, doing things perfectly can reduce the intensity and/or frequency of receiving painful criticism. Daughters of narcissists learn that perfectionism is not only a means of emotional survival and protection, but also how they receive their crumbs of receiving love; which might be all they get. This can set the imprint for their adult relationships too. While sometimes helpful and leads to promotions, rewards and accomplishment, perfectionism can also increase anxiety and depression, lower self-esteem and make relationships difficult. 

4. Poor Self-Esteem & Negative Self-Image

Narcissistic mothers see their children as an extension of themselves and as a tool to get what they want (often praise and attention); this means that a narcissistic parent will often force their own ideals onto their child, and they will shame and criticize them to get their compliance. Her body may have been constantly judged, along with her grades, friends, and later on, her career, partner and how she raises her own children. The daughter is unable to develop into her own person and feels shameful when she experience her own needs and desires, which leads to poor sense of self, low self-esteem and oftentimes an outright negative view of herself.

5. Difficulty Identifying Emotions

Children often learn to identify their emotions by their mothers acting as an emotional mirror that reflects, validates and helps a child to identify their emotions. The mother shows empathy when the child is hurt, and attunes to their needs. This teaches the child their needs matter. Because a narcissistic mother struggles to meet her child with empathy, her daughter does not get this reflective emotional experience. This can make it difficult for the daughter to identify and validate her emotions throughout the course of her life, which can make her susceptible to unhealthy and toxic relationships that mimic her relationship with her emotionally unavailable mother, and to mental health struggles (such as anxiety and depression).

6. People-Pleasing

People-pleasing is when a person puts others’ needs and wants before their own, often to their own detriment. There’s a real struggle in saying no, and actually prioritizing oneself. It’s as if “yes” is an automatic response, because this is how safety was created. A narcissistic mother will always seek to make sure her own needs and wants are met, and will even resort to manipulation tactics if needed. If a narcissistic mother primarily gives attention and connection when the child meets her needs, the child will learn to accommodate the mothers needs first in order to get this connection; this can develop a long-term pattern of people-pleasing.

7. Difficulty Developing Trust

Children also learn relational trust from their parents, and the constant manipulation, gaslighting, and lack of empathy from a narcissistic mother will make it difficult for a child to develop a sense of trust in others. Building trust in relationships can lead to unhealthy relationships and feeling unfulfilled in general.

8. Fear of Rejection & Disapproval

People who struggle with a fear of rejection, disapproval, as well as a deep fear of being abandoned and not liked often experienced fear-based parenting. Narcissistic parents typically tend to supply conditional love and affection, which means a child is continually emotionally abandoned and rejected by their primary caregivers. This is a painful experience for a child that often leaves them fearful of experiencing rejection and striving to avoid it at all costs.

9. Codependency

A codependent relationship is one that contains an imbalance of power between the partners and the two partners become dependent on this dynamic. The more dependent partner is often the child of a narcissist because they’re used to this dynamic-of not feeling empowered. They learned to abandon themselves early on, and collapse in the face of another’s power and needs. Narcissistic mothers will seek to create a codependent relationship with her daughter, because this power differential dynamic fills her narcissistic supply. Since children often seek familiar relationships in their adulthoods that were modeled for them in their childhoods, a daughter of a narcissistic mother is likely to find herself in codependent relationships in her adulthood as well. It’s as if their inner child is so focused on the other person’s inner child, there is no healthy adults present. 

10. Anxiety & Depression

A narcissist struggles to take accountability for their actions, denies responsibility, feedback, or confrontation on their behaviors. They will often scapegoat their partners and children to deflect blame, which has been shown to increase a child’s risk of developing anxiety and depression. Because healthy repairs are part of healthy relationships, the daughter never experienced this. She struggles to identify and validate emotions, leave troubled relationships, has low self-esteem and high self-criticism, which are other significant factors to developing anxiety and depression as well.

Healing is Possible

By learning her mother was narcissistic and this behavior was abusive, Abby realized she never felt safe in her body to say no to her mother, therefore continued this pattern all her life. This adaptation response was now maladaptive and needed to change. 

She was able to stop having to try so hard to make everyone happy, learned how to regulate her emotions, set limits and boundaries without fear or guilt, and let people have their own emotional experiences.  She could begin cutting back on work, saying no to her kids with greater ease, and asked for more help in her marriage. While the process took time, patience and self-reflection, she began taking care of her inner child which soothed her anxiety. 

She listened to herself better and discovered her authentic self and the wisdom in her body. From this place, she could have healthy boundaries with her mother, without fear of retaliation and learned how to stay objective. She learned it was not her fault or problem to fix if her mother. She knew she really did deserve love and respect and this allowed her to experience greater connection in her relationships and with herself.

Healing from narcissistic abuse can feel like untangling from a giant daunting web at first. Having the right support with a therapist, a supportive network, and other resources can ground you in authenticity and validation. Learning about narcissism can reduce self-blame and letting those parts of you be seen and heard can foster emotional well-being. If you feel like you can relate, know you have the capacity to heal. With support, resilience, and commitment to self growth, adult daughters of narcissists aren’t defined by their past, but by the power and identity they reclaim, and the freedom that is felt by breaking free from this toxic cycle to forge their own path to fulfillment and happiness.